Cari-bein'

Home

I mentioned in yesterday's post on the other blog that the night before I'd been feelin' kinda low...and I had. And it had nothing to do with that goofy job drama--that's been a source of annoyance and anger and stress, but not depression. No, what got me down was that the boyfriend brought up once again (as he's wont to do every few months) that it would be more practical for us to move to a cheaper place before we move. Well, yes, I suppose it would...but there's a huge flaw in that idea. And that is that we happen to live at his work location, so he can walk to and from work. We only have one car, so if we moved he'd probably take the car to work since he leaves an hour earlier than me, which means I'd be stuck trying to take taxis back and forth to the office. So whatever money we'd be saving on rent would be plowed right back into cab fares. It makes no sense. And it's a conversation we've had several times--I don't know why he just won't let it go. Maybe it came to mind again because our rent is going up this month (for the first time in two years).

But there were larger issues at work for me. First, I made him promise me when we moved to this condo that we would not move again...until we moved to the mainland. Because I had just moved three times in eight months (from Portland to here and then to two different band houses before settling in the condo), and he promised. So every time he brings up the "let's move somewhere cheaper" routine it really irks me.

Then there's the "I spend very little money on myself" argument. He doesn't buy tons of stuff for himself, but when he does it's usually a big-ticket item (a gym membership, golf clubs, drum gear, golf shoes, etc.) Meanwhile, my big splurge is to hit the bookstore every few months and spend $50. Pay here for most (non-governmental) jobs is ridiculously low compared to the mainland, so even though he works two jobs (at the golf course days and playing music nights) I probably still bring home a little more (and I'm underpaid). I have no problem justifying our rent (which isn't outlandish for this island) because there are only two things that give me pleasure here: the beaches and the setting where we live.

But the real button for me is the concept of "home." And when he started up with the "let's move someplace cheaper" routine right before leaving for a gig the other night I just lost it. Aside from reasons I've already listed (not to mention the stress of moving twice in such a short period of time), what really upset me was the thought of losing my 'home.' Because I've so seldom had anyplace that felt like a home to me...including my childhood home.

We live in a nice place, but it's nothing fancy. And because this is such a hilly island, lots of places have spectacular views. We've lived in a couple of places like that. Even though we don't have much of a view (by island standards) now, I love what I see when I look out the windows (which are one whole wall of our condo). I like the pond below the balcony (and all of the life I've witnessed there). I like that the golf course seems like our front yard. When the boyfriend goes to work for a couple of hours on Sunday mornings, I walk out onto the balcony with my mug of coffee when he reaches the green below our condo and we chat about how we want to spend our day. Logistically it's been a dream. He can walk to work, he comes home on his morning breaks and at lunchtimes, he can zip by in a golf cart and yell up at me if he wants to tell me something, we're two minutes from our favorite beach, it's only 10 minutes from my office, etc.

But most importantly, this place has made me feel safe -- in every sense of the word -- when I most needed to feel that way. And having that money discussion yet again made me fully realize how much I'm going to miss this setting. When we flew back from the States in October, I didn't hit the island and think: gee, I've really missed this place. But when we walked through the front door onto the balcony, I did think that about our home.

And it's also an extra-charged feeling of 'home' for me because it's the first place we've had together, where it's been just the two of us. Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I'm a nomad by nature. I've moved a gazillion times--and that's when I actually had places that were mine, when I wasn't bunking at someone else's place. So I'm not about settling in one location or one dwelling. For me, the concept of home is much larger than that. In our Portland years, I used to say that 'home' for the boyfriend and me was wherever we found ourselves, because we used to take a lot of (even weekend) road trips. 'Home' for me was wherever he was. And it's still that, but I'm beginning to realize just how much we've infused our vibe all over this condo (in spite of it being furnished with someone else's stuff) so that the actual place has finally given me that sense of 'home' that I always assumed other people felt in their dwellings. And...(wait for it)...it's given me some pleasant memories. That's really the key--when I look back, it won't all be depressing. I'll have fonder memories than I've had of other places.

So the other night when I tried to imagine for even a few moments what it will feel like to leave this condo, I felt sad. Not because I'm not excited about whatever the next chapter of our lives will bring, but because it's been such a safe harbor for me. I'm hoping the next place will give me that feeling...and much more.

posted by Marilyn @ 5:59 AM