Cari-bein'

trust

I had an experience yesterday that reinforced my belief that I have yet to meet one trustworthy person in this place. I realize that sounds cynical, and possibly even paranoid. I swear it's true. And I haven't been quick to let my guard down here, even the tiniest bit. But the few times I've lowered my guard even an inch or two, it's always backfired. Either that, or there's something inherent about this place that tends to strip away people's manners. :)

I looked up trust in my dictionary and there's a pretty long entry. One of the definitions is "to hope earnestly." Reading that, I thought, well no wonder it always turns out badly. Because hope is rife with expectation...and expectation almost always leads to disappointment. But who among us can truly go through our lives never once allowing our hopes to rise?

The hope definitions in my dictionary include "a feeling of expectation and desire combined" and "a desire for certain events to happen." I learned long ago that I cause myself a lot less grief if I can hope and/or desire while letting go of the outcome. And yet my trust hasn't been extended here hoping for or desiring a specific outcome. I didn't place even a tiny bit of trust in others because I wanted something to happen to, or for, me. I did it hoping those people might not have harmful intentions toward me. I don't mean a tangible harm--I mean something less than betrayal. But my four years here have taught me that no one here should be trusted. And I'll bet if you asked my boyfriend, he'd say he feels the same way.

We all look out for our own best interests first and foremost, as well we should. This isn't about wanting someone to put my interests over his or her own. It's about discretion, when a lack of it could cause harm to someone else. Since I've grown so cynical around this topic, you'd think that I wouldn't be so shocked when others betray my trust. But I guess I just keep hoping that I'll cross paths with someone here who will warrant that trust...because going through life with my guard in constant lock-down mode is exhausting.

posted by Marilyn @ 3:19 AM