untethered
Lynn wrote yesterday about her daughter spending her 22nd birthday at home...but probably wishing she were spending it somewhere else. I thought as I read that: jeez, I'm a long-ass way from 22, but I still don't want to spend my birthdays with my mother. Once I became an adult, I never wanted to spend another birthday with either parent. Of course, I have--but it wasn't my first choice.
Spending a birthday with one of my parents gives me the sensation of being thrown back into my history, rather than propelling me toward my future. It reminds me of all that I've tried to overcome, emotionally. And it doesn't matter if I now have a good relationship with said parents, it still feels like focusing on the past. When I hit another age marker, I want to focus on where I might be headed, not how I got to this juncture in the road. I want to anticipate the road ahead, not rehash the journey thus far. For me, it can mean the difference between spending my birthday feeling hopeful rather than hopeless. There's plenty of time and space and place for rehashing; we all do it, some of us a lot. But I don't like to spend my birthdays doing it. For those few hours, I want to imagine and dream and wish. After all, no one's ever said, "Blow out your candles and remember your past."
So when my day rolls around, please allow me that luxury. Allow me to suspend reality for a few hours. To close my eyes and with an untethered heart...make a wish.
posted by Marilyn @ 3:31 AM
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