Cari-bein'

"I know you are...what am I?"

Judgment has been coming up for me a lot lately.  It's a life-long pattern I've struggled with.  Most of my judgment is done in silence.  And I'm not implying that's any better--it's not.  But I'm not an offensive judger, for the most part.  Mostly because I simply don't have the balls to say to people the kinds of things they say to me (and that I hear them say to others).  But if you're comin' at me with the judgment?  Hoo boy, look out!  Because my defensive judgment skills are honed.  Years of experience have sharpened them to a fine point.  There's something about my personality that seems to bring up those tendencies in certain people.  And it's been happening since childhood. 

I can be a horrible gossip.  I've sat in many work settings with coworkers where we gossiped our little heads off (and of course had some hearty laughs at our targets' expense).  But I don't go through life saying rude or mean or cruel things to people's faces.  I simply can't imagine doing that.  I know how hurtful it's been when others have done that to me.  So even though I like to be a sarcastic wench sometimes, I'm still too much of a good little Catholic schoolgirl at heart to bring myself to seriously wound someone with my words.  Even in the heat of a passionate relationship, even when the other party is saying some pretty hurtful things.  (And it's not about religion, so don't freak out over the Catholic reference.  That just refers to being taught by nuns for eight years; all of that 'love your brother as you would yourself' stuff dies hard.)

I realize (in my more lucid moments) that the lesson is that all judgment is bad.  So I shouldn't get caught up in degrees (mine's okay but yours isn't).  And yet it still amazes me that people who tell me they consider themselves my friends say things to me that I wouldn't have the nerve to say to someone I detested.  And I realize (again, in my more lucid moments) that those comments speak to their issues, not mine.  But when it happens, my first impulse is to pull out my defensive judgment.  It's like the emotional version of someone shouting, "En guarde!!"  Okay, buster, you wanna clash swords?  Come on!! 

Those of you who've been reading for awhile will recall that I decided to give up gossip this past Lent.  (Again, no religious connotation--it was just a seasonal vehicle I used for my little experiment.)  It was really interesting to watch the reactions of my coworkers when I told them I was doing that.  (And I'm happy to report that by and large, I succeeded.)  Our boss quickly announced, "You can't do that!  You're not going to be any fun to be around."  Our secretary (who considers herself a very devout Christian) could be found gossiping to me and then looking momentarily confused when I didn't respond with my typically catty wit.  I did it for myself, but it ended up serving as a mirror for their actions, too.  It was quite interesting to witness.

Maybe I'll do it again, but just not tell them this time.  After all, sometimes the best lessons are learned when someone not only holds up a mirror to our behavior, but doesn't announce ahead of time they're going to do that.  Their response, of course, is only the side benefit.  The primary reason to do it is to give myself some peace of mind.  They can still come at me with whatever they've got...but I think I'll lay down my sword for awhile.

posted by Marilyn @ 5:44 AM