Cari-bein'

fear unleashed

Gee, a whole week since I've posted here. So much has happened in that short time, but not so you'd notice. Profound, seismic events have occurred...but unless you were one of the parties involved, you'd have no idea of the magnitude of the change. I'll have to be necessarily vague here. I apologize, but it's too personal for the blog. Let's just say this:

Sometimes you hold on, keep on, soldier on...and hope that someday--someday--things will work out. All the while you're wondering why it has to be so complicated. Life's way too short in the big scheme of things for certain kinds of behaviors. But it's often out of our control. (Of course, it's always out of our control--we just delude ourselves otherwise.) All we can do is focus on our part, to try to make sure our behavior is exhibiting right action. And if we keep doing that, sometimes, some ways, someday...it might work itself out.

Dawn has broken on that day for me in a couple of huge areas of my life. And there are moments when that realization hits me...and I don't know whether to laugh in ecstatic relief or cry from having survived the journey...or both.

I spoke to my mother yesterday and told her what has transpired. She understands the monumental repercussions of even slight changes in behavior in this scenario, because she knows the history. I told her I felt refreshingly unburdened as a result of this turn of events. Then I told her how my already bizarre but fantastic dreams have been off the charts lately, and that if I could be even a smidgen as creative in my waking hours as I've been in my dreams, then life would be pretty damn good.

Denial can fuck you up big-time...or it can be a powerful protector. My mother reminded me of something that had occurred years ago...which I had completely buried. As soon as she mentioned it, it all came back. But I realized in that moment that I had shoved it way, way down there, years ago...and had done my best to forget about it. And yet, there was always this...fear. Not at the forefront, but always...there. She said, "Maybe having things change to this degree--where you can now let go of that fear--has unleashed your creativity and it's showing up in your dreams."

Too bad there's not a way to bottle the experience...because surely there are few emotional experiences in life that can be more exhilarating in their recuperative and rejuvenative powers than an excavating, unleashing and disengaging of an old buried fear. It's almost worth carting one around for years and years...just to experience the lightness and joy that comes when it's finally released.

posted by Marilyn @ 8:04 PM