Cari-bein'

Chaos Theory

"Rather than following rules, have a friendliness toward existence." -Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

Something brought to mind rules today. The rigidity of rules. I spent years avoiding commitments of all types, and I avoided setting goals at all costs. For a long time I confused focus and discipline and goals with rules. It took me a long time to grasp the difference. I eventually discovered that it's possible to have discipline and planning and organization and goal-setting in my life without feeling confined by rules and restrictions. If anything, accepting those things into my life gave me more freedom. A paradox that, isn't it? There really isn't much freedom in chaos. We just think there is when our thinking is as chaotic as our actions.

I like Natalie's phrase "a friendliness toward existence." I take that to mean to be open and present and aware toward whatever crosses my path. I've never been very good at following the rules, but truthfully always felt rather guilty about that. I kept feeling I SHOULD follow the rules--even if they weren't my own. (And they usually aren't, are they?) Maybe it was all those years I was taught by nuns. Now THERE were some rules!

Maybe I'll simply remove "rule" from my vocabulary. I can keep the letters and just rework them. It can become "lure" instead. I'd much rather be lured by something than chafe at being ruled by it.

posted by Marilyn @ 9:44 PM