Cari-bein'

pathways

Our little condo is a mess. Seriously funky. And the last thing I feel like doing is cleaning. I've grown to really hate housecleaning--to a degree that I haven't felt before--and I've been wondering why that is. I like having a clean place; I like when things are orderly. I do. Don't I?

When I lived in my Victorian apartment in San Francisco, I kept it fairly tidy...except for the dishes. There wasn't a dishwasher and I truly hate to wash dishes. My mother asked me once what was up with the dishes, i.e., why was the rest of the apartment so clean and tidy and yet there were those funky dishes stacked up in the sink. And I blurted out that it was because my father had made me do the dishes when I was a teenager--often before I'd even had a chance to finish my dinner--and no one could make me do them now. She asked if I thought it might be time to "get over" that particular adolescent experience. Good point. :)

It's 'maintenance' housecleaning that's throwing me for a loop these days, because I'm not doing it. And then one day I'll look around and think, "This place is a disaster."...and then I really don't feel like cleaning. But as much as I hate the actual cleaning tasks, I think it's more of an energy issue.

I feel drained when I leave work. On the surface it seems like I should feel energized--after all, I've just spent my workday in a situation where I'm not using my brain or skills or most certainly even a smidgen of creativity. So I should be rarin' to go and full of energy, right? But I'm not. I feel spent from the daily ordeal of checking my personality and spirit at the door when I leave home. More accurately, I probably leave them in the car. :) When I park the car in the lot and begin walking up the hill to the office, the transformation begins. That's when I put on the mask and tell myself I'd better steel my nerves because it's gonna be 8-1/2 hours before I get to experience my real self again. And I'm a firm believer that energy begets energy--gotta use it to get more.

But there's rebellion at play again, too. I spend my days feeling like I'm someone's slave, so the last thing I feel like doing when I get home is anything I associate with slaving away (e.g. housecleaning). Instead I want to wallow in self-indulgence. I want to do only what I want to do--and that definitely doesn't include cleaning.

You might be wondering why the boyfriend doesn't do the cleaning. We mutually agreed that as long as he's working two jobs (and I'm only working one) that the bulk of the cleaning would fall to me. And I don't mind the arrangement, but sometimes it does add to the burden I feel around housecleaning, since there are two of us creating the messes and only one of us cleaning them up. And we have a tiny place--it's not like it takes that long to clean it. It's really more about my resistance around being 'forced' to do anything once I'm free of that job for the day.

This weekend I really want to tackle not only the cleaning, but also some of the clutter. There's not a lot of clutter, but being the daughter of my particular mother, even small piles of clutter can wear on my nerves. And I know it's bad feng shui to have all this clutter and mess lying around. I also know that by clearing the energy pathways in my home, I can begin to clear the energy pathways in myself.

posted by Marilyn @ 6:52 AM