Cari-bein'

quivering

I've been feeling particularly uninspired lately. Not sure why that is, but it could be attributable to several things, or rather several things occurring simultaneously. There was the whole letdown of having H. leave, after we'd been through such an unexpected and emotionally draining experience. Then there's hurricane season. We've been extraordinarily fortunate, but it's still tiresome to have to keep paying close attention to the storms. (And I totally sound like a whiner since we've dodged every bullet this season, unlike those who've actually been hit by the storms.) Then there's my knee. About a week ago I tweaked my left knee somehow. It's fine now, but I foreswore my daily walks at the beach as a result and I can really feel how much I need those (physically and mentally/emotionally). And I've gotten so used to year-round sun that even a few consecutive days of wind and gray skies can throw me off. And then (and probably the biggest culprit) there's my work environment.

I find that office to be an energy vacuum, in both senses of the word. If ever there was a 'dead energy' spot, that has to be it. What's the opposite of positive life force? Whatever it is, that place exudes it. And if you should arrive on the premises exuding any positive energy, it'll quickly suck it right out of you. And that's just the physical environment.

I recently read Anne Lamott's Crooked Little Heart. There's a line where the protagonist says about another character that he once told her that resentment is like taking rat poison...and waiting for the rat to die. I have no idea if that's an original phrase, but I'd never heard it before. It's the best description I've ever heard of resentment. And I should know, I've been seething with it for the 3-1/2 (LOOOOOOONG) years I've worked there.

I try not to hate anyone, really I do. But I have a powerful dislike for my employer. I simply don't like him as a person. And that's a pretty new experience for me, even given my wild and varied work history. I really can't think of another situation where I had to work with someone who repulsed me as a human being. There was one woman at a temp job in Portland who took a real dislike to me. I could only guess that maybe she felt (unnecessarily) threatened by me, because I went out of my way to be nice to her. (I say unnecessary because we were filling two completely different positions.) As horrible as she was to me, I didn't hate her. I sort of felt sorry for her, because it was such a waste of energy to make me her adversary when I was a temp, who had absolutely no interest in her position.

Now that I'm nearing the end of my stint at my current hideous job, I'm finding it harder and harder to muster up a false front to pretend I'm remotely interested in being there and doing the work...and having to interact with my employer. And it's been hard to muster it up from day one, so you can imagine how much harder it is 3-1/2 years later. And here's the thing: these days, my employer goes out of his way to be nice to me, but he treats his employees so shittily in the most fundamental ways that the shitty stuff far outweighs whatever he thinks he's doing to be nice. And the work. Good god, the work. Every single morning I stand in the shower and give myself a total psych job to force myself to go back for even one more day.

I'm no prima donna. I've had shit jobs and I've had demeaning jobs. I'm not below doing just about anything to bring home a paycheck to survive. But I can usually find something to like about my coworkers even if we're cut from very different cloth and/or lead very different kinds of lives. But I simply don't like this man. I abhor his ethics and, for me, there's no excuse for being less than ethical when dealing with one's employees. I've worked in all kinds of businesses and seen people do all kinds of things to succeed--I'm no Pollyanna. But I believe one's true morals lie in how one treats one's staff, and that's where he falls far short.

I'm feeling uninspired because when I get home from work I feel drained from having spent the day in that place. I once told someone that working there reminds me of when you throw an object (a stick or something) for a dog to fetch, but try to train the dog to not run for it until you give the cue. In those moments, a well-trained dog will stay until his master gives the signal, but he'll quiver with excitement. I feel like that dog when I work there...except I never get to fetch. It's a perpetual command of "Stay." And I'm quivering to actually use my brain and my skills and my competencies and my creativity. And they couldn't be less useful--and unwelcome--than they've been at that office.

But, hoo boy, once I unleash them? Look out!

posted by Marilyn @ 6:07 AM