Cari-bein'

The body knows...

Last evening as I was on the phone I realized that I'd had a stuffy head and sniffly nose for a couple of hours. It seemed I might be coming down with a cold, a rarity for me here. We keep our sliding glass doors and windows open 24/7 and I work in an open-air office, and all of that fresh, warm, tropical air has allowed me to keep colds at bay. AND, I know that a body can only take so much stress before it says, "Okay, time to rest now." I realized last night that I was really tired. And I'd had a stressful first day back at work. There was a lot of work waiting for me. And I don't know what was going on electromagnetically yesterday, but things weren't operating smoothly.

When I got off the phone, I ate another orange, drank some more water and laid down to doze on the couch until boyfriend got home from his gig. I felt better when I went to bed...and I feel even better this morning.

Through all of the joy and upset and back and forth and insanity of the last couple of weeks, I put great effort into presenting a calm exterior for H.'s sake. I didn't want to drag him through the minefield of my emotions as they flared up, so I suppressed them as best I could. I tried to 'keep my eyes on the prize' and stay focused on the positive--that he might get to live with us if we could successfully convince his mother to agree to act like a reasonable adult.

On Monday, all of my suppressed anger started to bubble toward the surface and I gave myself permission to experience some of it overtly. And it felt good. Because I was really angry.

We've had a couple of days to get used to the idea of H. returning to his hometown and we both feel much calmer. H.'s mother is not going to change--by all accounts, she's been a mean and difficult person for decades. Making a list of her abominable behaviors to serve as anger fodder doesn't serve me (or us) in the long run. So we're trying to focus on the positive elements of this whole experience, because we all benefited from it. It really strengthened our bonds--every one of them (H. with his Dad, H. with me, boyfriend's and mine, and the three of us as a family unit). And those powerful bonds will assist us as we prepare for our next big change (moving back to the mainland).

H. said at one point, "Everything happens for a reason." Yes, buddy, it does. And if this wasn't meant to be the appropriate timing, I have no doubt that our day is coming.

In the meantime, I plan to indulge in some extra self-care in the next week or so to get myself in balance...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiiritually. And how wonderful that our bodies serve as beautiful reminders of when we need to do that.

The memories of these past three weeks with H. will live with me always. I'll do my best to remember the good times with him (and not the bad feelings associated with her). It was nothing less than a life-changing experience and even though it wasn't the outcome we all wanted, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

posted by Marilyn @ 6:16 AM