Cari-bein'

avoidance

My god, has it really been 2-1/2 weeks since I've posted here? Hmmm. Telling. I've had all kinds of STUFF 'coming up,' and clearly I haven't been wanting to fully look at it if I've been avoiding this site. Because this is a place where I often pause to MAKE myself look at whatever the hell is going on inside of me.

The last couple of months have been tumultuous, emotionally. All of the drama around the situation with H. in August...the additional torment of having the situation deteriorate even more during September...until we find ourselves in October facing the realization that it will probably never work for him to live with us (at least until he's 18, but by then he'll be readying for college). We tried to look at the situation as objectively as possible, and jointly agreed that the other party will probably never reach a conciliatory enough place for us to work things out in even the most rudimentary fashion. It's heartbreaking, to say the least, and it threw both of us into a serious funk. So now we focus on making the best life we can in the States, and being the best people we can be, so that we can serve H. as best we can during whatever time he spends with us and in helping secure his future.

We're both struggling daily with plowing through the last months at our jobs. Boyfriend's just as ready to be finished with his as I am with mine. And as excited (and challenged) as we are about our move back to the mainland, it's bringing up a lot of fears for both of us. For him, it's the fear of the unknown because IT'S ONLY HIS SECOND MOVE....EVER!!! (Incomprehensible to me.) The man lived in his hometown for 37 years until he moved here. For me, I just noticed the other day that the move was bringing up all my typical fears surrounding any move...and then it dawned on me that THIS time, it's different. Because I'M NOT DOING IT ALONE. I even moved here alone, because he was here two months prior getting everything in place for us. So I've had to remind myself that those fears no longer apply. Wow. What a concept. You mean there's a fear pattern I could actually...release?? So if I have fears surrounding the move, I need to make sure they're accurate--that they fit the reality of the situation. I know what it's like to start over (again and again and again and again...) I just need to keep reminding myself: this time I'm not doing it alone. Truthfully, a lot of my fear about returning to the mainland is that I'll be 50 by the time we arrive, so I feel particularly compelled to try to generate some self-employment of some sort--because that's the age when many are being laid off, not hired.

And now my father's cancer diagnosis, the most unsettling part being that it hasn't yet been diagnosed. So now we wait for the results of the battery of tests he's begun to determine if it's anywhere else in his body, and prepare for any side effects of the treatment they plan to give him for his neck (to make sure they got it all).

So here I am, on my little rock in this pretty blue sea, and faced with the knowingness that I must not let any of this bow me. Instead I need to use it to empower me. I need to adopt a more sneering attitude: "Oh yeah, "universe"? (or life or fate or whatever the hell you are out there) Bring it on!! Gimme whatchu got! 'Cause I can take it."

And I need to stop by this site more often.

posted by Marilyn @ 6:47 AM