Cari-bein'

NO DUMPING ALLOWED

I had a long phone conversation with someone earlier this evening about the doormat syndrome--the pattern we both have of “letting“ others treat us in ways that we would never think of treating them. She said that for her, she’s been so out of touch with her feelings that she’s often slow to respond. Someone will say or do something and she’s so stunned by their behavior, that it’s often days or weeks later before it dawns on her that she’s angered by it. I told her that for me, I’m quick to respond emotionally--I know instantly what feelings their behavior brings up in me--but that I often delay taking any action (saying or doing anything in return).

I’ve been thinking about that tonight--about why I delay taking appropriate action--and have come to the realization that I developed that lag time in sobriety. When I was drinking, I often used anger inappropriately, bordering on being a “rage-aholic” at times. In an effort to no longer exhibit that kind of behavior, I’ve swung the pendulum too far in the other direction. Instead of letting my anger out immediately, I’ve taught myself to wait to respond--so I can do an inventory of my emotions to make sure it’s appropriate to feel angry. But if I feel it, it’s appropriate! I’ve confused drunken rage with healthy anger--acting as if any anger is inappropriate. And that’s just plain wrong.

So what happens is that I continually put up with bullshit behavior, all in the name of being a “good girl”--as if it’s not nice to get angry. I’ve been sober for many years, and sobriety has given me many, many gifts. But this is one instance where I’ve done myself a great disservice in my effort to be a better person. I too quickly fall into the “I must be at fault somehow” trap--always trying to find and look at what part I’ve played in the situation. And that can be a healthy exercise, but sometimes I haven’t done anything to deserve being on the receiving end of the offensive behavior. They might be saying or doing something to me, but it’s not always about me. Sometimes people are just looking for a place to dump their anger--JUST LIKE I USED TO DO.

But I’m tired of being a toxic waste dump. So from now on, the sign on my forehead will no longer say “WELCOME.“ Instead it will say “NO DUMPING ALLOWED.”

posted by Marilyn @ 2:09 AM