Cari-bein'

Light

Just read a post at Stefanie's site re fear and it got me thinking about saboteurs (as I commented there). I don't fear saboteurs; I fear truly revealing myself around them. Because if they're cruel and rude and arrogant when I'm showing my false self, why the hell would I want to expose my real self?

I wrote that I begin to fear revealing myself when I feel like I don't have a sufficent support network...or when I feel like I've boxed myself into a corner emotionally by surrounding myself with saboteurs. These days I'm primarily dealing with one saboteur...unfortunately it's the one who signs my paychecks.

I could write a book (okay, booklet) filled with unbelievable things that man has said to me, but I'm not sure anyone (who doesn't know him) would believe it. In addition to his outlandish remarks, he also makes inappropriate ones. It's a wonder no one has sued him for sexual harassment. (And he's a lawyer.) He doesn't make remarks about staffers' body parts, but he's made dozens of disparaging comments about my thin-ness. And he constantly makes comments to the female attorney and me about our clothes. (The other two women who work there are West Indian; for some reason, he seems to think those kinds of remarks are off-limits where they're concerned.)

I must be a hell of an actress, because the other day he made some offhand remark that he considers me his friend. WHAAAAAAT?! It's all I can do to force myself to show up there day after day and pretend to tolerate him. He's unbelievably arrogant and thinks he knows everything, but still hasn't put two and two together to realize that his behavior causes my bad mood. I do my best to pretend to be in a good mood most of the time, but sometimes the shit he does is just way, way, way too much. But still, he doesn't see the cause and effect.

He's at his second home in the States for a week and yesterday around mid-afternoon it suddenly occured to me how wonderful it was that I'd gotten through the day without having to speak to him. I actually thought, "Gee, maybe this job wouldn't be quite so hideous if I never had to interact with him." A few minutes later our secretary buzzed me to tell me he was on the phone. She also said she'd told him I was in a good mood. I asked, "Why'd you lie?" (She laughed.) He had asked her if I was in a good or bad mood, because I'd been in a very, very bad mood the previous couple of days...all due to him!

I guess I'm just at an age and stage in my life where I have almost zero tolerance for people's bullshit and bad behavior. I'm just not willing to put up with it.

I work in a funky-ass office where some stuff is very half-assed and thrown together. There's an air conditioner that's at the bottom of the (one) large window in my office. Whoever installed it long ago put a couple of pieces of wood on either side of it, bolted them in and painted them white. (Snazzy!) It's not unusual to walk into the office on any given morning and see the evidence that the termites have been busy. I don't know if the termites have bored the small hole in the wood next to my A/C unit, but I suspect they might have. It used to be a tiny pinprick of a hole, but just recently it grew wider. It's probably wide enough now to fit a pencil through. Every once in a while I look at that hole--and at the sunlight I see on the other side--and think how appropriate it is that it's suddenly grown larger. I told my employer a few weeks ago that he should start looking for my replacement by the end of the year. In my most annoyed moments at that hideous job, I glance through that hole and remind myself that I can finally see it...the light at the end of the tunnel.

posted by Marilyn @ 6:17 PM